An interview with Raquel D'Apice

"I've never given weed gummies to a chicken." - Raquel

Raquel with some kind of cephalopod on her head

I was having coffee recently with Raquel D’Apice when I blurted out “I should interview you for my new Substack, Mom Jokes!” And then I just proceeded to interview her and she rolled with it.

Raquel is a writer, a standup comedian, and a mom of two kids. She’s a very funny person and I can brag about her since we’re friends (not just acquaintances, she confirmed it).

Here’s my chat with Raquel about what it means to be a good mom vs. a good dad, Mom Jokes, why the chicken REALLY crossed the road, and more.

Janine: Can you describe who you are in a nutshell for the readers of Mom Jokes? There currently are none, by the way.

Raquel: I can't even describe myself to anyone.

Janine: You're a writer.

Raquel: Technically, yes.

Janine: You're a comedian. You're a mom.

Raquel: Sure.

Janine: You write scripts for PTA fun runs.

Raquel: I absolutely just did that. Yes.

Janine: And is there anything else that you want to add?

Raquel: I mean, I didn't even add those things. So I'm definitely adding literally zero things.

Janine: Why are there “Dad Jokes” but not “Mom Jokes”?

Raquel: Maybe there are no Mom Jokes because we don't have time or maybe because if Mom Jokes are actually being made, they're probably too angry. The Mom Jokes always have to be preceded with “I swear I love my kids.”

Janine: Dads can just make corny jokes, jokes that have nothing to do with anything. And what's a Mom Joke? There are none. Right?

Raquel: What’s the definition? Give me a definition.

Janine: I don't have a definition of it.

Raquel: You gave a definition of me just off the top of your head.

Janine: Well, I think moms deserve the opportunity to be funny, to have fun, and to have joy. I feel like the stereotype is that the mom is the “straight man” [as in the person who plays it “straight” in a comedy duo, not as in heterosexual and male] and the dad gets to have fun. You actually wrote a funny piece about this for your website, about how you’re considered a great dad. Can you talk about that?

Raquel: Well, by the standards by which dads are measured, I'm just knocking it out of the park. I can carry a kid on my shoulders. I feel like that alone is a big deal.

Janine: I have a weak shoulder. I could not do that.

Raquel: Maybe two nights a week I might manage dinner. I sometimes do stuff with the kids on the weekends. I'm great at the whole lightly-punching-them-on-the-shoulder thing. “Hey, good job pal.” I feel like if you described all of that, and did not tell people my gender, you'd be like, Wow, he sounds like a terrific dad. And I'd be like, Yeah, I am, thank you. But the mom requirements… there’s no time [to be fun].

Janine: When do moms get to joke around?

Raquel: I think when the kids leave.

Janine: When the kids leave for college, or for the day?

Raquel: I mean, maybe you could be a little bit funny during the day, but there's still shit to do. Yeah, when they leave for college, that's when we're gonna be funny. I know a lot of moms who are sending their kids off for college and they are very sad. And I do love my kids and I will also be very sad if they leave for college — apparently in this future, I can afford college. But whenever people have asked, what are you going to do when your kids leave? The answer is, I’m just going to start doing stand-up comedy again with all the time I’ll have, because that was what I was doing before.

I feel like there's not a lot of Mom Jokes because it's hard! You want to make sure your kids never take it too seriously. I always had to tell my kids, I'm joking about what I’m doing and I’m joking about this topic. It's not about you. Because so much of joking is poking at things that are sensitive, and kids are really sensitive. I mean, if anything, it probably makes for a much higher standard. I guess for good Mom Jokes, if they are truly about being a mom, they have to “punch up” and then it has to be funny, while being really careful and making sure they don't accidentally hurt people. Which is obviously impossible. But at least going into it with that intention.

Janine: Yeah, Dad Jokes can just be about nonsense!

Raquel: If I walk into my apartment, as a mother, I can immediately compile, in my head, all the things that need to be done. Those bills need to be paid, and that needs to be done, and that needs to be addressed. Those need to be made out, that needs to be said, that thing needs to be helped with because that kid can't do it on his own. And I feel like a dad could walk into that same room and be like, do you know what's funny about chickens fucking?

Janine: Why did the chicken cross the road? To fuck another chicken.

Raquel: I mean, honestly, yes, a lot of the time.

Janine: Why does anybody cross the road?

Raquel: To fuck another chicken.

Janine: Or to get weed. I feel like I should say that Raquel and I are currently sitting in Manhattan, we're in the shadow of the Chrysler Building —

Raquel: And other people's careers.

Janine: So the chicken crosses the road to get weed here, because now whenever you're in this part of town, it smells like weed. Is everyone just high all the time?

Raquel: It’s not just this part of town. Coming from Jersey, I can tell you it’s happening there, too.

Janine: I'm not judging, I'm just making an observation.

Raquel: I’m only hesitating about the chicken smoking weed because I’m picturing the chicken with a beak.

Janine: Maybe the chicken does weed gummies.

Raquel: How feasible is that? I think that’s like giving peanut butter to a dog, where they just keep chewing it and chewing it for half an hour. I've never given weed gummies to a chicken.

Janine: Maybe you should.

Raquel: I’d have to buy a chicken and weed gummies, neither of which I want to spend money on.

Janine: You might be able to find a chicken somewhere for free. Wow, we've really gone off-topic, although I’m not sure we even had a topic to begin with. I just smelled more weed as that guy walked by. Maybe also chicken. I feel like it's a little early to eat chicken.

Raquel: It’s never too early. I’ll eat chicken at 6 AM.

Janie: 6 AM. Really?

Raquel: I told you. I'm really parenting. Because all of my life is very, like, what's in a Tupperware container that I don't have to think about? Great, yeah.

Janine: The chicken was crossing the road because he was winging it. That's a Dad Joke. Or she was winging it? I don’t know how to tell male from female chickens. I was at an event recently and I met a very nice woman who told me she used to write a humor column for a magazine about backyard poultry. And I was like, oh like chickens? She said, No. Ducks. She had ducks. And she told me she was about to move to France. Bonjour, poulet!

Raquel: I don’t speak French, just Spanish.

Janine: Can you say hello, chicken in Spanish?

Raquel: I won’t, but I can.

Janine: I am not fluent in French but I want people to think I am. You know I started a funny-ish line of fake French clothing on Etsy, which I told the chicken duck humor France woman about since I thought that really aligned with her interests.

Raquel: She sounds great. I'd love to meet her.

Janine: She was definitely nice. You could meet her but she's about to move to France.

Raquel: No, I know enough people here. I would want to meet her and then go visit her in France and learn about ducks and chickens and France.

Janine: That would be great. I would love that. All right. Anything else that we should talk about in this very freewheeling interview that's really gone awry? If you have any other thoughts, you know where to find me. We're gonna connect on LinkedIn.

Raquel: I just Google people's names to find them.

Janine: You already know how to find me. I should also add that you and I grew up in the same hometown, although we did not know each other growing up. And now we’re working together on a comedy pilot that’s loosely based on something that took place in our hometown. I actually printed it out for you [Raquel often prefers analog things and uses a paper calendar].

Raquel: You have a folder?

Janine [hands Raquel a folder with a printout of our pilot draft]. See, I named our “production company” Funny Because of the Trauma Productions [we have both experienced similar traumas, which I won’t get into here]. I wanted to be friends with you before we ever met. Is that weird to say? Is that creepy?

Raquel: But you didn’t know who I was growing up. I just sat in my room reading and crying.

Janine: And being funny?

Raquel: I wasn’t even being funny. Just reading and crying.

Janine: Same!

Raquel: Separated at birth.

Janine: No, I wasn’t aware of you when we were both kids [Raquel and I went to different high schools; our suburban New York town was pretty large and spread out]. Later, I read your writing and thought you were funny and I wanted to be friends. Can I say we’re friends and not just acquaintances?

Raquel: You are a friend, you're not like that random person that I know.

Janine: I’m happy I accomplished that goal.

Raquel: I can’t wait for you to be disappointed in me over and over.

Janine: I’m not so sure that will happen. But as far as our comedy pilot goes and the incident it’s based on, we're gonna leave it at that. We’re gonna build suspense.

[Ends on a suspenseful note].